Troubled heart

“Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say?..."

John 12:27

       As the seasons pass from summer into fall, the days are getting shorter and cooler. I have spent the last 5 months recovering from a circumstance I did not expect.  One in which I was profoundly hurt and troubled by as there seemed to not be a suitable answer as to why.  But now, five months later, I have decided it is time to leave it behind and move forward.  God has brought me to this place and I rest my troubled soul in Him.  He has sustained me when I have been so low I was not sure I could find my way.  He has walked beside me in this time as no one else could.  Psalm 25:1 tells me "to thee, O Lord, I lift up my soul, O my God, in thee I trust, let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me".  So I stand firmly beside Him trusting He will lead me to the next season. 

        I have no idea what the next season will bring.  I trust the Lord to show me where He wants me to go this time.  I believe that He wants me to be securely ensconced in Him before I begin anew.  It is time to rest in Him until He chooses to reveal to me what is next.  For someone who has worked 50 plus hours a week for over 20 years, it is hard to sit back and rest.  I feel that I should be doing something.  I feel that I need to take matters into my own hands because that's what the world expects me to do.  But, I know that I need this time to heal and rest in Him.  It is ok to rest in Him.  It is ok to sit back and regroup from all the missed days of my life.  I didn't realize how much I missed while I was working.  I didn't see or have time to enjoy the beauty of the sunrise.  Now I can and do.  I didn't have time to visit with my parents and now that they are older I have time.   I didn't get to see my grandchildren participate in school projects because I was at work.  Now I can.  So if this forced time away from working is for those things then I can call myself blessed.  My attitude has changed from one of bitterness and hurt to gratitude.  Gratitude that I can spend time with my family and not have to do work.  Gratitude that I can read a book and not feel that I should be grading papers.  Gratitude that I can spend time with the Lord as I walk in the morning and not be rushing out the door and up the road to a job.  There are days when it is easy and there are days when it is hard.  But the hard days are fewer.  I want to be able to know in my soul that I have "walked in my integrity, and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering." (Ps. 26:1) . I can rest that "it is well with my soul".

"He refreshes my soul. He guides me along

 the right paths for his name’s sake."

Psalm 23:3